HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

As I write this post, I hope it won't be construed as my trying to speak for everyone else in this wonderful little "club" I have inadvertently joined. I'm writing for and about myself. Yes, it does sound as though I'm somewhat self-absorbed, but it is was it is. It's my way of processing what I'm going through. I either write or, as so many of my family and friends who have spent hours on the phone with me can attest to, talk as a way to understand what's happening to me (and around me). 

One thing I have figured out is that people who haven't gone through this (or something similar, I suspect) don't understand why so many of us make "unusual" choices -- whether it's to cut off all our hair, try non-traditional treatments, stop treatment all together or have "unnecessary" surgery (if I had my way, I would have had a double mastectomy, but neither the surgeon nor the insurance company thought it necessary). Hell, I don't understand it most of the time when it involves other people either, but the need to have some control over events in your life -- especially for someone like me who is a control freak -- becomes almost compulsive when it's taken away.

I have discovered that when you have cancer, you have very few opportunities to make your own choices. The cancer, the treatments, and the ramifications of both, pretty much direct every aspect of your life. So, when I see a chance to make a decision, any decision, I jump on it. 

This week, it was my hair. I'm pretty realistic, I know that there is every reason to believe that I will lose it and it will probably start happening within the next month. If it saves my life, no big deal -- a very acceptable loss. However, when I lose it is my choice.

So, a couple of nights ago, my sixteen year old nephew and I took some clippers into the bathroom. Using the largest attachment, he cut it all off -- smiling the whole time. Normally, I'm the one cutting his hair off and he appreciated the irony of the situation. I am now wearing a 1" pixie cut with lots of spikes... and I like it! With my round face, it may not be the most flattering style, but it's easier to take care of and, when it starts falling out, it will be much less drastic....and you know what?? With the exception of a few family and friends, most people didn't seem to notice it! 

As for those family and friends who scratched their heads and asked why I would cut my hair before I had to, my answer is "BECAUSE I COULD" and, through tests, biopsies, needles, surgeries, drains, hair loss, nauseous, and an assortment of health scares, I will continue to make my own choices at every opportunity.

JUST WHEN I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT

I love my life. It may not be what other people view as perfect, but it suits me. I thought I had finally figured everything out. What I wanted out of it rather than what others thought I should want, be, do, etc. So, imagine my surprise as I'm moving along, working out, losing weight, looking into ways of advancing my career, writing, and just generally enjoying family and friends, at getting THE CALL. My physician's office leaving a message on my cell phone. I can't remember everything that was said, but I do remember: "We have the test results." "It's very important that you keep your Monday appointment." (This stated on three separate occasions during the two minute voicemail.) and, finally, "WE ARE CLOSED UNTIL MONDAY."

It was Saturday and, while I'm not the brightest bulb on the porch, even I could figure out from the "tone" of the message that the news wasn't good. The test results I was waiting for were from my mammogram / biopsy. So, I did what I considered the only rational thing to do at the time ... I gathered some friends and went out for Mexican food and a 48 ounce margarita... and we talked. We discussed everything from what we were going to do after I was "cured" to what I wanted done with my remains. It was hard, but it was also good. A couple of the most important people in my life helped to process my feelings. They made it possible for me to get through the next day and helped me prepare for my appointment.

As I know now, the results weren't good. It's official. I have breast cancer. Man does that suck. It's a whole new game for me. However, I think it was harder for my family and friends to hear about it than it was for me. Luckily, I have surrounded myself with a much more incredible group of people than I ever realized. As we move forward with saving my life, I realize that we can never really have everything figured out because life is constantly changing. All we can do is work for the best and not let the rest shake us too much. Appreciate what we have for as long as we can.