HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

As I write this post, I hope it won't be construed as my trying to speak for everyone else in this wonderful little "club" I have inadvertently joined. I'm writing for and about myself. Yes, it does sound as though I'm somewhat self-absorbed, but it is was it is. It's my way of processing what I'm going through. I either write or, as so many of my family and friends who have spent hours on the phone with me can attest to, talk as a way to understand what's happening to me (and around me). 

One thing I have figured out is that people who haven't gone through this (or something similar, I suspect) don't understand why so many of us make "unusual" choices -- whether it's to cut off all our hair, try non-traditional treatments, stop treatment all together or have "unnecessary" surgery (if I had my way, I would have had a double mastectomy, but neither the surgeon nor the insurance company thought it necessary). Hell, I don't understand it most of the time when it involves other people either, but the need to have some control over events in your life -- especially for someone like me who is a control freak -- becomes almost compulsive when it's taken away.

I have discovered that when you have cancer, you have very few opportunities to make your own choices. The cancer, the treatments, and the ramifications of both, pretty much direct every aspect of your life. So, when I see a chance to make a decision, any decision, I jump on it. 

This week, it was my hair. I'm pretty realistic, I know that there is every reason to believe that I will lose it and it will probably start happening within the next month. If it saves my life, no big deal -- a very acceptable loss. However, when I lose it is my choice.

So, a couple of nights ago, my sixteen year old nephew and I took some clippers into the bathroom. Using the largest attachment, he cut it all off -- smiling the whole time. Normally, I'm the one cutting his hair off and he appreciated the irony of the situation. I am now wearing a 1" pixie cut with lots of spikes... and I like it! With my round face, it may not be the most flattering style, but it's easier to take care of and, when it starts falling out, it will be much less drastic....and you know what?? With the exception of a few family and friends, most people didn't seem to notice it! 

As for those family and friends who scratched their heads and asked why I would cut my hair before I had to, my answer is "BECAUSE I COULD" and, through tests, biopsies, needles, surgeries, drains, hair loss, nauseous, and an assortment of health scares, I will continue to make my own choices at every opportunity.

JUST WHEN I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT

I love my life. It may not be what other people view as perfect, but it suits me. I thought I had finally figured everything out. What I wanted out of it rather than what others thought I should want, be, do, etc. So, imagine my surprise as I'm moving along, working out, losing weight, looking into ways of advancing my career, writing, and just generally enjoying family and friends, at getting THE CALL. My physician's office leaving a message on my cell phone. I can't remember everything that was said, but I do remember: "We have the test results." "It's very important that you keep your Monday appointment." (This stated on three separate occasions during the two minute voicemail.) and, finally, "WE ARE CLOSED UNTIL MONDAY."

It was Saturday and, while I'm not the brightest bulb on the porch, even I could figure out from the "tone" of the message that the news wasn't good. The test results I was waiting for were from my mammogram / biopsy. So, I did what I considered the only rational thing to do at the time ... I gathered some friends and went out for Mexican food and a 48 ounce margarita... and we talked. We discussed everything from what we were going to do after I was "cured" to what I wanted done with my remains. It was hard, but it was also good. A couple of the most important people in my life helped to process my feelings. They made it possible for me to get through the next day and helped me prepare for my appointment.

As I know now, the results weren't good. It's official. I have breast cancer. Man does that suck. It's a whole new game for me. However, I think it was harder for my family and friends to hear about it than it was for me. Luckily, I have surrounded myself with a much more incredible group of people than I ever realized. As we move forward with saving my life, I realize that we can never really have everything figured out because life is constantly changing. All we can do is work for the best and not let the rest shake us too much. Appreciate what we have for as long as we can.

I WANNA BE THE BEE

When I was little I remember reading an article about bumble bees and how they shouldn't be able to fly because it was aerodynamically "impossible," but, for some reason, they could. I liked that story. I wanted to be the bee. To do things I wanted to do even if someone told me I couldn't. Years later, an article came out saying that scientists discovered that bees actually were built for flight -- something the bees already knew. I liked that story even better.

So many of us listen to others rather than listening to ourselves. Why? Who should know better than me what I am capable of achieving? Instead, for more years than I care to think about, I let family, friends, and complete strangers -- most with only the best intentions -- set my limits. I allowed strangers to mold my life!! As I look back now, I just shake my head. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. However, rather than focus on what I didn't do or become angry at lost opportunities, I am going to look forward. I am going to set my limits ... or not. I am going to BE THE BEE.

That mindset, I hope, will help me over the next few months as I continue to struggle (and, yes, I am indeed struggling right now) with losing weight. Even more importantly, it will help me fight any other battles that crop up in my life. I would love to hear advice from others and will incorporate whatever feels right to me. That said, I will try not to be dissuaded from doing something because someone else doesn't think I could or should do it.

I have a wonderful, wonderful friend who, when she is very frustrated with me, will say, "...but you will do what you want to do anyway!" She's right. I will. ... and who better to decide what is right for me than me??

BE THE BEE.

FROM THE FRYING PAN TO THE FIRE

First of all, I would like to apologize for the skinny b%$&*h comment in my last post. Please know that I said it out of jealousy, pure and simple. I don’t hate skinny people … some of my best friends are skinny people! Okay, maybe not, but I do try to tolerate them.

When I was 26 years old, for a variety of reasons, I decided to become a vegetarian. I was in college (i.e. open to experimentation), had always been an animal lover, and was starting to have difficulty reconciling my love of fried pork chops with the treatment of animals raised for food. After reading Upton Sinclair’s book The Jungle, my desire to stop eating meat was cemented. Please note, I did realize that his book was published in the early 1900s and that the meat industry had changed it’s methods significantly since then, but I couldn’t get the images out of my mind -- just ask any of my friends and they will confirm that I have a fertile imagination!

I started limiting my meat intake and slowly became a vegetarian … a very bad vegetarian. I went from relatively well-rounded meals consisting of meat and veggies to pure fat and carbs. How great it was to feel superior and be able to eat pizza with extra cheese, fettuccini alfredo with garlic bread, baked potatoes with butter … and sour cream … and cheese … but no bacon. Let’s not forget cake, ice cream, and cookies. Nor the beer, wine, and whiskey. However, no meat, so I was healthy, right??

Now, before I started my new vegetarian adventure, I was already hovering around 200 pounds. Afterwards, I managed to eat my way right up to 330 pounds and slid into Type 2 Diabetes! Between dieting (starving myself) and haphazardly following a lifestyle without understanding the basic needs of my body and the food that I put in it, I was lucky I didn’t kill myself. What I did do was miss out on a lot of living because I was too sick, sluggish, and embarrassed to pursue some exciting opportunities that were presented to me.

As I began my newest journey towards health, one of the things I finally understood was that I could no longer DIET. Don’t get me wrong, I have modified my behavior. I’ve cut back on the bad carbs, sugar, and fat - mainly out of necessity not because I’m such a self-disciplined person -- but, if I want a piece of cake, I’m going to have it and I‘m not going to apologize or feel guilty. I will just make sure that I eat my meal first and that my meal consists of protein, grains, and vegetables. I also try to eat five or six small meals rather than two or three large ones. I don’t count calories -- primarily because it makes me crazy and I end up losing every list I create to track them.

I’m still a vegetarian. Actually, I’m more what I like to call a “faux” vegetarian. (This is a lifestyle choice. I don’t judge others if they eat meat nor do I feel the need to defend why I choose not to eat it. I absolutely refuse to even get into the “chicken is not meat“ discussion.) There are times when I crave chicken or fish, so I will have a piece. It happens a couple of times a year and I don’t flog myself when it does. I’ve cut most dairy from my diet. I love it, but have found that it causes a lot of congestion which makes it difficult for me to breathe. I prefer breathing to dairy -- most of the time.

Bottom line is that I have chosen a way to eat that works for me and no longer beat myself up when I screw up. I just pick myself up and move on with my life. Eating properly and exercising have become a basic part of my daily routine -- just like showering and brushing my teeth. It will never again become more important than living my life.

What about you? What eating habits work, or don’t, for you?

THE TORTOISE WON, DIDN’T HE?

As a consultant, I travel. My favorite place to travel, and for many years live, is New York -- Brooklyn to be exact. While I’m there, I lose weight because I walk. I can’t afford nor do I have the patience for a vehicle, so I walk. For a born and bred Midwesterner, the amount of walking that is done in New York is mind-boggling. We Midwesterners take pride in the fact that we can find the closest parking space to the door of wherever we’re going … including the gym.

The last time I was in New York, I spent five weeks walking up and down subway stairs, walking to the grocery store, the library, etc. Even with all of the wonderful food, I managed to walk 15 pounds off by the time I got back home. Again, I had an epiphany -- walking made me lose weight (yeah, I readily admit I‘m not always the brightest bulb on the porch)!!

So, I started walking…on a treadmill at my brother’s house. I puffed and panted and stopped a lot, but I managed to walk two miles the first night. Later, with my brand new membership, I started using the treadmill at the local YMCA. Most of the time, it wasn’t pretty, but I kept walking even if I had to stop three or four times or slow the machine down. I kept walking even if the skinny b%$&*h next to me was going three times as fast and NOT sweating while I was hanging onto the bar in a desperate attempt not to be flung off the back.

Now, six months later, it still ain’t pretty, but I walk three or four miles several nights a week and have noticed that I can do it without gasping so hard that I have to stop in order to breathe. I’ve also, very slowly, incorporated weights and additional cardio workouts into my routine. Guess what? I’m losing weight! Not a lot, I’m only losing two or three pounds a month now, but I am toning up -- something for which someone on the downside of middle age is eternally grateful.

Back to my epiphany … consistent EXERCISE was one of the missing components to my health goals. It wasn’t just exercise. It was the right kind of exercise for me. I recognized that I wouldn’t continue doing a workout that I didn’t like. I needed something that I was comfortable with, enjoyed, and would stick to for the long haul.  In order to do that, I had to stop listening to everyone else’s “advice.“ Believe me, there was a lot of it and while I like to think that they really were just trying to be helpful, they could only offer advice based on their experiences.  Something which wasn’t necessarily a good fit for me.

Rather than saying that I stopped listening to advice from others, I guess I should actually say that I sorted through the advice, started trusting my own instincts, and used what felt right for me. For example, I don’t like the weight machines. They bore me. Plus, a personal trainer told me that the machines were good for form, but couldn‘t compare with free weights when it came to toning / building muscle. That may or may not be true, I don’t know. However, I love free weights -- even if I‘m still not real sure of how to use them. So why waste my time on the machines?

My response went over, as they say, like a lead balloon. People got annoyed because I didn‘t listen to their advice.  For someone who has always tried to please everyone else, standing up for myself -- especially when I was a novice at the gym -- was difficult. However, I finally understood that only I know me and that only I would benefit or be hindered by my choices.

I had to ease myself into a program that worked, again, for me. I still don’t go fast. I don’t lift a lot of weight (the amount that I do lift causes my 16 year old nephew to roll his eyes and tell me to “get back to him when I lift 75 pounds“). I’m not particularly coordinated (I admit, I fell off of the stepper). I am determined and bull-headed, so I used those traits, put my blinders on, and went full speed ahead picking and choosing exercises that I enjoyed. I am the tortoise. I will probably never be sleek or fast, but that’s okay. The tortoise won, didn’t he??

If anyone out there is reading this, I would love to hear your story and, yes, even your suggestions for any new exercises. I may not use them, but maybe I will and I will definitely take all the help I can get. It’s good to know that I’m not in this alone.

THE FAT OF THE LAND

I'm a 48 year old woman who has been obese my entire adult life -- for much of that time, I was classified (I hate that word) as morbidly obese. I’m not a weight loss expert (nor do I play one on TV), however, I have tried every “diet” and medication that came to my attention. I shudder when I think of some of the “solutions” I tried and am grateful that none of them caused permanent damage to my body.

I lost a little weight, gained back a whole lot more. Finally, with a change in mindset, some health issues, modification in habits, and a lot of non-judgmental encouragement (I will never be able to repay my brother, who paid for my unemployed butt‘s YMCA membership and presented me with my pass without explanation or lecture. Nor can I forget my sister-in-law‘s silent encouragement as she joined every class I wanted to try and walked with me step for step on the dreaded treadmill -- even though she hated it.), I have managed to lose 110 pounds. With another 70 pounds to lose, I'm not thin by any measure. As a matter of fact, I will never be described as thin based on today's standards, but I'm definitely on my way to being healthy… and much happier.

That said, I don’t delude myself. I recognize that, statistically, I have more of a chance of gaining the weight back than I do of reaching my goal and maintaining it. It may happen, but I don’t think so. I believe that I have finally found something that works for me and my lifestyle. It may never work for anyone else, but that’s okay. I’ve discovered that we all need to stop listening to every expert and new fad that’s out there and find what works for ourselves. 

That epiphany was what started me thinking about writing a blog. What finally pushed me over the edge was a poem that a friend posted on Facebook.

THE FAT OF THE LAND by Ronald Wallace

Gathered in the heavy heat of Indiana,

we've come from all over this great

country, one big happy family, back from

wherever we've spread ourselves too thin.

A cornucopia of cousins and uncles, grand-

parents and aunts, nieces and nephews, expanding.

All day we laze on the oily beach;

we eat all the smoke-filled evening:

shrimp dip and crackers,

Velveeta cheese and beer,

handfuls of junk food, vanishing.

We sit at card tables, examining

our pudgy hands, piling in

hot fudge and double-chocolate

brownies, strawberry shortcake and cream,

as the lard-ball children

sluice from room to room.

O the loveliness of so much loved flesh,

the litany of split seams and puffed sleeves,

sack dresses and Sansabelt slacks,

dimpled knees and knuckles, the jiggle

of triple chins. O the gladness

that only a family understands,

our fat smiles dancing

as we play our cards right.

Our jovial conversation blooms and booms

in love's large company, as our sweet

words ripen and split their skins:

mulberry, fabulous, flotation,

phlegmatic, plumbaginous.

Let our large hearts attack us,

our blood run us off the scale.

We're huge and whole on this simmering night,

battened against the small skinny

futures that must befall all of us,

the gray thin days and the noncaloric dark.

Much of this is so true and hits so close to home that I can’t find the humor in it. It just makes me sad. I see so many friends and family who struggle with their weight and IT IS A STRUGGLE! Most are so embarrassed by their weight and society’s perception / response to it, that they sit out on life and hide behind closed doors to eat. Been there, done that …

Overall, I believe that obesity is one of the few things that is still okay to make fun of without worrying about being politically correct. I don’t know if that is ever going to change, so I decided to change myself. Finally, I stand up for me. No one else’s behavior is going to dictate how I live my life or my belief in myself.

That is why I am writing this blog. It’s not to tell anyone how to lose weight, although I will discuss my struggles to find what works for me (and it is constantly changing). It’s (hopefully) to come together in a community to encourage each other to find WHAT WORKS for their life. To no longer strive to be what external sources need us to be.

Here’s hoping that this is not so much a journey to weight loss as it is one to finding a happiness within ourselves.